My dead music

Lately I find myself hating music videos and performances. All I can think is the regretful "I could do that." But there are plenty of reasons why I couldn't. Number one being my fear of rejection. Being in music involves constantly being rejected. Even those who have "made it" in music are constantly being critiqued and put down by critics and regular people alike. You can't please everyone. Starting in music is rejection after rejection in auditions and performances. There are very few who never get to feel that. And vocal music is so personal, its your voice. Something that can only be changed so much like your hair or your looks. Some people are never going to look good no matter how much they work out, they will never be a model. And they can't change that. Same with people, no matter how much you practice or work with vocal coaches, there is a limit to what you can achieve with your voice. After a rejection in my college's vocal program, being told I had no talent by a well meaning father, and being rejected later by an a Capella group. I was done. I gave up the only thing I was ever passionate about in my entire life. Now I feel lost. I have nothing to do. I live in an area where music and singing groups are few and far between. The only person I perform for is my son who cries if I sing anything in a real voice. I miss music desperately. I will always be plagued by what ifs. What if I had auditioned at other schools, what if I had auditioned for a group my freshman year, what if I had tried out for American Idol. Probably things would not be any different. Maybe I would be teaching voice lessons or singing in a church choir. I don't think I ever had the ego to make it, to believe that what I do is the best, to not feel nervous or self conscious when I sing in front of others. But either way I will always have to live with the what if's and I hope that I can use that to push my kids to at least try. Sometimes it is just better to know you tried your best and failed instead of living with the nagging what would have happened