Our Joy turned Sorrow

Monday was one of the hardest days of my life. I woke feeling like it was Christmas. At 20 weeks pregnant today was the big ultrasound, we were going to find out if it was a boy or a girl. In my heart I was thinking boy definitely. Why else would I have been craving things like donuts and barbecue potato chips.

It was a good morning. Jarrod's friend slept over because they were planning on doing a quick morning hike (which of course did not happen because his friend got in at 4 in the morning). The furnace was out of propane but with one quick call a guy was on his way to finally end our weekend of cold. And lastly Jarrod's oldest brother came by with his two children. It was a morning of video games, coloring, and snacks.

We finally left the house at 1230 to get to our doctors by 2 (it was an hour and ten minute drive and we needed gas). The drive was pretty noneventful. The usual curves and mountains we see everytime we travel to Roanoke. I had a new doctor and the center and I sat on a different side after checking in. The woman who came to bring us to the ultrasound knew Jarrod through his family and asked him to say hello. Everything seemed like a little blur I was so excited to see our baby on the monitor.

Immediately our baby showed that he was a boy. Then he proceeded to wiggle and roll all over the place making it difficult for the ultrasound technician to follow him. I was so happy that I was right he was a boy. It just was a feeling I had had. And watching him move all over the place was such a joy. I purchased a DVD of the ultrasound so when we were finished she gave us the disk and some pictures.

We went to our new doctors waiting area. I used the restroom because I just couldn't hold it anymore. We were unsure of what to expect, my OB/GYN had transfered to New York. He has said that this new doctor was good but a little all over the place. I hoped it would be a good fit because at this stage of the game I had no desire to find a new doctor. Her nurse showed us to our room and took my weight and blood pressure. Of course they needed a urine sample after I used the little girls room so I was going to have to give one before I left. Then she left us alone and we joked and laughed while Jarrod scanned through a book of names.

My doctor came in. She was very pretty for an older woman. "I am your new doctor. I have been doing this a long time. I'm a lot older then most of the other doctors here but I have a very good plastic surgeon." I chuckled at her introduction, still unsure of what to think of her and then the most horrible, awful thing she could possibly say came out of her mouth.

"This is going to be hard to take from someone you don't know but the ultrasound was not good". I felt like she had punched me in the stomach. All I could do was stare at her while in my head I frantically searched my memory of the ultrasound for what she could possibly be talking about.

"The baby has spina bifida" All I could do was nod. "Do you know what that is?" Jarrod had moved to take my hand all we could do was stare at this horrible person trying to tell us our perfect baby was not. "There is an opening in his spinal cord, its actually not all that common in the United States, much more common in the British Isles. Also it looks like he has club foot and clenched hands which could be signs of mental disability. I don't know what your religious beliefs are but this baby will probably have a terrible quality of life." By now I have started to cry, in my head I was waiting for her to say just kidding and just be someone with a terrible sense of humor for her profession. But those words never came, she handed me a tissue and continued my new little nightmare.

"I am going to send you to a genetics specialist. I am just a little OB/GYN so I don't know exactly how bad this is, or exactly what diseases the baby has. I am only able to go by my experience with patients in the past. If you decide to carry the child to term it will probably never walk and possibly worst. Another option would be to deliver early and do an autopsy to find out if this is something genetic or just a random mutation. They will probably ask you to do an amniocentisis and I highly suggest you do. It will give us an idea of whether or not this is a chromosomal defect. You all just sit tight and I am going to see if the doctor can squeeze you in today." She gave my hand a sympathetic squeeze and left us alone in the room.

"Is it weird that I feel like someone punched me in the stomach?" Jarrod asked me. I told him no. I felt the same way. We both wanted to throw up. This was terrible. How could we have a disabled child when we were both so healthy and our families both had such healthy babies. Why is it that there were drunks and crackheads who could have normal babies and mine wasn't going to be able to have a good life. It seemed so awful and unfair. In my mind I was throwing out all my pregnancy materials and sending all the maternity clothes back to my sister in law who loaned them to me. I wouldn't be pregnant at my sisters graduation. We wouldn't need to worry about finishing the babies room it would be a guest room now. How would I ever be able to go through a pregnancy again?!

When the doctor came back Jarrod asked her what could have caused this? We both were a little fearful throughout the pregnancy that my drinking, birth control pill use and antibiotic use before I knew I was pregnant may have hurt the baby. "Possibly a difficiency in folic acid, but usually its more just a genetic thing or a random mutation. " When Jarrod asked her more questions about the baby and what this means she told us that really we should wait for our appointment with the geneticist but she just didn't think the baby would have a good quality of life. She had made us an appointment with the new doctor for tomorrow and told me to call her if I could after the appointment.

Jarrod had to check us out while I alarmed all the other patients by crying uncontrollably. We drove in depressed silence cursing the fact that we had to run by Jarrod's brothers house to pick up furniture we were taking and Jarrod's motorcycle. Even worse we had to stop by Jarrod's parents house to get the trailer and Jarrod's dada na brother had the day off. (Jarrod's mom always basically has the day off but she is usually running errands.) We didn't want to face anyone we were barely able to talk to eachother.

At Jarrod's parents house I waited in the car even though I had to pee like crazy. Jarrod went in to get the hitch and broke down when Jarrod's dad told him his mother drove off with it in her trunk. Jarrod's dad had nothing he could say, there was nothing to say. Nothing was going to take away our new nightmare. He helped Jarrod silently get the ball off of Jarrod's younger brothers truck and Jarrod proceeded to get the trailer hooked up to the truck. Sunglasses on to hide his tears.

Then of course because we didn't feel helpless enough a car pulled up. Out popped Jarrod's grandparents, great aunt, and great uncle. I panicked, I couldn't talk to anyone. I didn't want to be soothed or touched. I didn't even want to be here. It seemed that they read our being upset and thankfully went into the house without checking on us. Jarrod drove away and we were back to the solitude of our own awful thoughts and tears. I kept thinking how much easier a miscarriage would have been then to have to make the decisions that seemed to be ahead. And every time I thought that awful thought the tears would return and I would feel like a terrible person.

It was freezing as we loaded up the truck with what was ours. For once I lifted and helped, unable to see how any of it could hurt the baby worse then it already had. The cold wind felt wonderful to me. Almost cleansing me of my terrible thoughts. By the time we were done I had finally gotten a grip on myself and was able to be a human being. Jarrod and I talked a little the rest of the way home. In general we found our hands were tied on making any decisions until we met with the other doctor.

We went home fed the dogs and ran off to Walmart. We there purchased the next 2 seasons of the office and a couple pairs of pants for Jarrod. We spent the evening delivering the news to our parents and trying to find if this could be genetic. We watched the Office and ate girl scout cookies until at 10 I made some pasta in need of a real dinner. And at the end of the night we finally fell asleep exhausted from the terrible news and our tears.

weekend

I have just finally recovered from awful sickness. 3 days of being completely miserable was not awesome.

The weekend ahead looks promising though. 3 whole days with my wonderful fiance. Tonight we are just going to relax and go to bed early (thats just how we do haha). Then tomorrow I have a whole meal planned, pork tenderloin, red skinned mashed potatoes, and dutch apple pie. Then Sunday is wedding counseling scary!!

When it rains, it pours

I just want to curl up in bed and hide from the world today. Over the weekend I had decided that i would stay home and get my affairs in order. Of course I decided why am I here, I missed Jarrod so much that I just threw charlie and a bag in the car and drove to Blacksburg on Saturday. I am not doing so well at the long distance relationship stuff, I miss him so bad these days that it is affecting my work and affecting my personal life. When I can't be with him I just want to stay home and do nothing. Everything just seems pointless. Its just ridiculous why can't I get into work anymore? I also made the brilliant decision to go home on Monday morning since Jarrod was leaving early anyway. This of course did not work out. I got home at 830am and felt terrible. I called in sick to work and went to bed. Later that evening when walking by with Charlie I notice I left the lights on in my car. I hurry over to try and turn it on, nothing. I called Laura and she came by on her way back from Charlottesville and jumped it, crisis averted right? NOPE.

This morning I wake up, walk the dog, take a shower, get dressed and out the door. I hop in my car, it wont start again. I call AAA. An hour and 2 and a half episodes of the Office later the guy shows up, jumps my car, checks my battery and tells me its pretty much dead he can replace it for 117. My car just blew an oxegen sensor this month, the engine had to be cleaned and the sensor replaced, $600. My dog just had whipworm and stomach issues, 228. Now I have to replace a battery!!! I don't make enough money for this!

Then to add to my frustration, My lease is up on March 23rd. So what do I do? Do I sign another lease? For 6 months or 12? Do I quit and just move in with Jarrod? I can't tell you how much I just want to do the last option right now but the guilt would kill me. My bosses are wonderful and put alot of faith in me. But I am tired of being a secretary and when it comes down to it that is what I am. I wasn't hired to do this job and it is frustrating the hell out of me. I don't want to call clients to try and get them to come in. I just don't think this is for me I miss Jarrod. I just want to go back to school. Plus I feel like I am smarter then this job needs. Sigh how do I do this.

On top of it all we aren't going to have the church we wanted, they don't have our dates available and of course didn't tell us this until Jarrod called. So screw it we will have it in Jarrod's church it really isn't the end of the world but I did want my cathedral, I would have looked beautiful walking down that nice isle. yep Im annoyed and going to have a nervous breakdown.

Law School?

Lately I am not as satisfied with my job as I was before. Both of my bosses are very smart individuals but I feel like I am not challenged at all. I feel like my job is making me start to do things just good enough as opposed to as good as they could be. I dont want to be like that. Plus I dont think being a financial planner is for me. I dont want to be on call all the time for my clients, when my bosses go on vacation it almost seems the like the clients are upset about it. Like since they are a financial planner they need to be there 24/7 for their needs. I am not a people person, I like people, I like company, but I am incredibly awkward. I cannot sell anything.

I think I want to become an estate attorney. I would like to draft up wills and trusts and well just make more then i am now without this relying on commissions. I am very nervous about the idea of applying to law school though. I just dont think I am smart enough or had good enough grades. Stupid Freshman Year ruined my GPA. Washington and Lee is the school closest to where Jarrod and I will probably end up and well thats a tough school to get into. To bad I have no connections. Sigh What am I doing with my life! I really think I could do it though and Jarrod supports me. I guess the main thing that worries me is the loans. haha scary

Kelly Kapoor

So I had a coworker who I started to really get along with and she quit. Now we have our very own office Kelly(like in the Office). She just started yesterday and I could hear her the whole day saying "Okay deal" on the phone. Then while Holly and I are in our office working on stuff she comes looking for cleaning supplies and starts a whole conversation like shes known us all her life. She is so intensely outgoing in makes me almost anxious. I dont like it.

I supposed Ill get used to her but this morning Kelly comes in my office while Im "working" (i.e. checking my email). And looks at my picture to ask about Jarrod then goes into a talk about her wedding asking me questions about mine and honestly it is way to early. I just want quiet time when I come in early. Maybe if she did that at like 4pm it would be more welcomed but at 9 in the morning I want peace and quiet while my brain slowly comes out of its coma. the other coworker really needs to come back. Even Party Evan said they miss her.

I am so frustrated today that I think my head is going to explode. I need to call the place I want to have my wedding reception at because they wont respond to my emails but the only time they are open I am at work! I don't know if it is going to end up in a lengthy conversation so I don't want to call while I am at work. On top of that it is already noon and Boss 2 has not come in. I wish I had known I would be all alone for 4 hours because then I could have called the reception site. But no that would have been tooo easy. Why can't she just come to work. Ive been sick before and you know what I did, half days. I think I am just frustrated because the clients are frustrated and I am the one who has to deal with them.

Last night was terrible. One plus was I found two dresses I am going to pick between. Both lovely but completely different. I just couldn't make a decision. So we scheduled an appointment for Saturday and mom is going to come down and make the decision. Very exciting.

Charlie is terribly sick. He pooped in Beckys room! On her birthday! I felt terrible and cleaned it up for her. I scheduled a vet appointment for 330 today. Who needs food anyway. But how am I going to leave at 330 instead of 1 if Holly doesn't come in to approve. Needless to say I am stressed out. I need a backrub.

And worst of all after my wonderful time of looking at dresses, Laura and I went to tropical smoothie. While I was eating my sandwich and looking at dresses one more time a guy comes up to my window and pulls his thing out! Then he start messing with it! I was appalled. I immediately became nauseous and just wanted to go home. Jarrod says I should of called the cops but I wasn't thinking straight. I just followed the first man who left out of the store with Laura and we went home. Yuck.

Busy but Happy

I have been a terrible blogger but with Christmas and New Years coming up life became hectic. My bosses were meeting with more people then before to get everyone in here before the close of the year and I finally have stuff to do at my job since I have passed my tests and am way more comfortable with our clients. Boss 1 will be in India for 2 weeks which is crazy to me. I always think of India as sweaty and dirty and full of strong smells of food and animals. Boss 1 will probably love it he is such a nut. Boss 2 will be pretty much around but not really available so next Thursday and Friday I will be all on my own. Hopefully there will be no crisises but knowing my luck they will.

I have wonderful news. My amazing wonderful boyfriend Jarrod asked me to marry him!! it is such an exciting stressful wonderful thing. He originially planned on asking me at the hike we did that morning but it was kinda well a bog with a power plant next to it my poor love. So while I was in the kitchen he comes up behind me and says "Hunny I love you so much, will you spend the rest of your life with me?" I, thinking it was just something he was saying because he felt especially loving at that moment, said "sure hunny". Then he put the ring in front of me and I freaked it was such a happy moment. The ring didn't fit, poor Jarrod, but it was beautiful with my grandmother's diamond in it and rose gold roses next to the diamond. Jarrod designed it himself. I love him so much.

Our problem is we have huge families and lots of friends. There is no way to shrink the guest list. And every day it feels like someone else is returning to my life and Im like theres no way I could leave them out! So we might just have it at Jarrods which is scary to me. I like his mom and the house and yard are beautiful (although messy at times) but his mom will have sooo much control then. But we might have like 200 guests and I am not trying to have my dad spend a fortune on one day. I just want a huge party with friends and fun. I want to look beautiful but not overdone. I want my bridesmaids to be comfortable and I just want it to go well. Which is scary hard to do haha. But I should be able to figure it out, I have lots of people eager to help. A wedding is a wonderful thing.

Another major event, Jarrod got offered the job. $60,000 a year. Its so wonderful. Plus Mead WestVaco will pay for any college and has a pension. There is no way he could turn it down. It does mean another year apart but we can make it, we have before, I just love him so much and I can't wait to be able to spend my life with him. We are so lucky that he would have such a great job offer right off the bat. I am ready to compromise and try and work from home in the future. Everything looks like it will be wonderful.

Stupid Paper Shreader

How hard is it to learn not to put too much in the paper shreader. Does it really take that much longer to shread your paper in 2 sets instead of one. The assistant from upstairs is trying to use our shreader and had now clogged it like 8 times all she does is go o crap turn it off and then TRY AGAIN. WITH THE SAME AMOUNT OF PAPER! It must just be too early for me that it could annoy me this much but it is so gd loud when she jams it. Then instead of pulling out the jam while it is off it sounds like she is turning it on and using something to push it through! Oh for the love of Pete. Now she is talking to Mr. Rob the Cradle about how there is crap all over the floor. She is so eloquent that lady.

Charlie is a nut but I love him

I am now in my second week with Charlie and I guess you could say the honey moon is over. While he is the greatest dog of all time, completely sweet and quiet most of the time.He is sooo curious and wants to smell and get his nose in everything. Walks are more like stop and go power walks and now Charlie is in the habit of waking me up at 7 in the morning on the weekend because he doesn't know the difference between Saturday and Wednesday. Sigh but I wouldn't trade him for anything with his cute cocked head and fuzzy little feet. He makes me smile all the time. We had his little vet trip and to my pain the doctor hurt him checking his hips. Charlie has hip problems. But he is afterall 8 years old and a small dog so this should never be a problem. But o it broke my heart when the doctor made him cry, though not meaning to. I was told multiple times what an angel I was to take in a dog at Charlie's age but I cant imagine getting any other one. He may be lucky but he was just what I wanted even with his yucky warts.

Charlie

Charlie is tiny!!! He only comes up to my knee. So cute I have never met an 8 year old dog that looked so much like a puppy. When he barks it sounds more like a goose honk and he now follows me everywhere I go in the house. He is fluffy and soft and poofy, he doesn't mess in the house, he doesn't go through the trash, he can't jump so he doesn't get on the furniture, and he is friendly to everyone. I can't think of how he could get better. After meeting him I have decided he is definitely a chow corgi mix not rottweiler like I assumed. His ears are floppy and soft. I never ever want to give him up!