Chicken Tractor

Jarrod has finally built his chicken tractor. Last week we bought 6 chickens from his dad; 2 brahmas, 2 buff orpingtons, 1 comet and 1 black sex-link. For about a year now Jarrod has wanted to make a chicken tractor he would look at the online, watch tons of youtube videos and talk about how he would make them better. He liked the idea of having free range chickens to fertilize the yard and eat the grubs while keeping them from wandering all over the place (since we live in a neighborhood). When his dad bought a bunch of chicks it was just the push Jarrod needed.

So of course I expected him to have a plan when we ran to lowes to pick up would but of course he was winging it. We made it A-frame with a couple 1x8 and 1x10's.

Jarrod wanted the hen house to be off the ground so it will be a little warmer and give the chickens more space to run around and scratch. Our little hen house has 4 nesting boxes so that when the chickens are ready this fall we can collect fresh eggs. I ran to the store to get some exterior paint for the sides of the chicken coup because we used wood that was not the most suitible for outside. Its was leftover from our bathroom remodel. The best exterior paint on sale was a salmon pink which obviously was not Jarrod's favorite but I think ended up looking adorable.

When the Chickens first were placed into the tractor int he box we had them living in overnight in our bathroom they had no desire to come out because they were terrified. It was hilarious to watch them after Jarrod went in and pulled them out and placed them in the grass. They started to run to their box which was familiar but obviously loved the way the grass felt under their feet and thought better of it. We have also added a little ramp which isn't in this picture. Jarrod put the chickens up in the coop but they prefer the grass and rarely go up into their little pink hen house.

I love watching them all grow up. The comet is the biggest and she is the bully. She pushes all the other chickens around. The Orpingtons keep trying to fly and the Brahmas started scratching right away. The sex-link is the only one who likes to check out the coop every now and then and seem to be the only one who tried to stand up to the Comet. Its amazing how interesting they can be.

It has been very difficult to train the dogs to leave them alone. Our GSD's obviously look at this as a meal trapped nicely in their own backyard. We have started just correcting them every time they are near the tractor which has greatly improved their interactions with the chickens (Hans is no longer chewing and on it) but they still circle it like sharks when left alone for too long. Hans and Heidi have proved to be good protectors though. Today a stray boxer tried to get at the chickens and Hans almost bit his butt. :)

The joys of motherhood

I don't think there is anything more frustrating than when your baby is crying and you can't figure out how to fix it. Spending your time scoring the house for what he wants while he is screaming even more because your aren't holding him while looking for what he needs. Could be teething could be gas could be he wants his bear. I don't know. And the tylenol is vanished. Thats when you start getting angry, you plead with the baby try to reason with the baby but obviously that wasn't going to work. Add to that a couple nights of him waking up at odd hours of the night (which makes me suspect teething or tummy ache) so that your normally peaceful sleep time is disturbed. To the point that when you wake up in the morning you are yet again begging and pleading a 10 month old, this time to let you sleep in.

I love that little bugger but nights like this are so hard. When I have to stay up an extra 20 minutes to pump when I was ready for bed 2 hours ago. When he made me feel like a bad mommy for being to tired to sit here and hold him for a few hours. When I find myself daydreaming of nights out, and being able to just go for a drive, or just go to bed and get up when I want and on my schedule. I think this is why God makes babies so adorable. So that even at their worst you fall in love with them all over again. So that in the end it all seems worth it. I love that little man but definitely hoping he sleeps like a log tonight

April showers bring may flowers

So here I am once again all alone on a Friday night. It has been a crazy couple of weeks here at the Corl household and I am exhausted. Not only am I exhausted I look exhausted. I just looked in the mirror and I might as well have two black eyes. And yet instead of going to sleep I am trying to fold laundry and stay up until my sons clothes are ready for the dryer. I have turned into a crazy person.

A couple of weeks ago we got to rush into the hospital for George's shunt revision. I knew it would be our next hospital visit and low and behold a few weeks ago George started being fussier, then he started to nap more during the day, then he started it become inconsolable, then he would cry if you moved or made a sound and than he cried unless he had Tylenol until the morning we brought him in due to the final sign his head was bulging. At first I really did think all the fuss was tummy stuff. I had been trying formula he seemed to be gassy and uncomfortable but no it was his head. He must have been in terrible pain because he felt better right after surgery than he did before surgery. The very next day he was playing and smiling which is why the ever so cute resident neurosurgeon popped in to give us our get out of jail free card.

Then of course the weekly doctor and therapy visits. No we shouldn't consult pulminology yet on wether or not George will be able to speak, Yes he can go in the pool with his MicKey button, George is where he should be cognitively so how do we keep him on track with his physical limitations.

George was finally excited about eating something. Unfortunately it was a Dorito. All this time I'm trying to change the way Jarrod and I eat to make sure he is healthy, especially since being overweight may be the difference between eating and not eating. I give him all the Gerber foods and I get faces like why the heck did you put that in my mouth. His father gives him a Dorito and its like he found his new favorite thing. Hes licking it and pretending to chew after,he was licking his fingers and his face, eating his sleeve that got covered in it. I just wish he could be so excited about like apple blueberry. So now after consulting with my therapist I'm going to be buying George chocolate cheerios and this popcorn that will melt in his mouth. O well at this point food is food.

Both gardens have been plowed and tilled. They are ready when we are. And I mowed the lawn for the first time ever and found I loved it. It was like driving a extremely loud and slow go cart. I could completely escape from the stress rollar coster that my life has become and just shut everything out. Even if afterwards my ears were ringing and my arms burned (I wore SPF 70 it did no good) I actually enjoyed it. Next week I plan to weed and get the whole yard looking cleaner.

Also we finally have a finished floor in the bathroom. My goal is to get the drywall ready for paint and hopefully the tub tiled this week. We shall see. If I had to bet it would be that I get nothing done on it this week but it's nice to dream.

From scratch

Jarrod and I have decided to change the way we eat. It is not a diet per say, in fact I could probably end up eating even more fattening things if I don't learn healthier recipes. It is more about getting back to basics, back to from scratch. I find that lately I have been making food decisions by what is easy as opposed to what is healthy. The amount of pasta I eat is atrocious and the main reason for that is that I can just throw that box in a pot of water than wallah! 15 minutes and I have a meal! (sort of). So from now on I will buy things that I can't make at home like flour, spices, fruits, veggies, meats, milk etc but no more boxed pizza, no more sliced breads, no more lipton sides. The things I am allowing myself are goldfish(because without some kind of quick snack I know I will never be able to handle this) and ice cream (but only until we get our ice cream maker from Jarrod's parents. I've already seen the benefit, when I went to the store for this weeks groceries my total was only a third of what I was spending weekly before. And i know this number will go down even more once we have our veggie garden. The main reasoning behind this is after watching tons of movies about the awful things I eat, I wanted to make a change. I wanted to stop being lazy about food. I even love to cook and now I am so lazy that I only really make something when we have guests. I'm a stay at home mom with a nurse to help watch the baby for pete's sake, I have time to make something homemade. It is helping me limit my snacking and my overeating. Because now at lunch I eat what I made. I don't go back to the freezer for another burrito or to the pantry for a box of chicken flavored noodles. Tonight I made sloppy bucks with homemade rolls. The rolls were wonderful (though not as good as Jarrod's). And the other night I made homemade dumplings (which were way better than anything I've had at Covington Chinese). So hopefully this little experiment helps me to become reconnected with my food and make stuff I really love.

I'm not trying to be elitist or obnoxious about this. I will still go out to eat from time to time, and I won't make a fuss if I go to someone else's house for food. It's really just about changing the way Jarrod and I eat before we have kids that are eating at the table with us. We are even going to finish all the boxed pasta and cans of soup because there is no reason to waste it. I just hope that this leads to eating more veggies and meat and less pasta. We shall see.

Would you like a cookie?

Today was a pretty crazy day. Really it started last night at 1030pm saying hey dont come in in the morning your working tomm night and the whole weekend of night shifts. We finally have a weekend to work together on the house and Jarrod has to work night. It is so frustrating. Not to mention that poor Jarrod is now going to end up working at least 12 hour days 8 days in a row! So to celebrate our misfortune we went down to Roanoke, went to hhgregg and spent a ton of money, had some tex-mex and went home. We bought a new 50" tv (so didn't need) and a 5.0 c-ft freezer (which we kinda need). HHgregg was fantastic! The store was clean, the customer service wonderful, everything was so new and shiny, it was easy to get carried away (hence the 50" tv). NOw we are going to need to sell the ol 37" sony we have which is only like a year old and was a great deal itself but just not big enough since we use this tv for a computer screen. I feel a little bit like we went over board and I was thinking as I made my husband a treat to make up for giving him bad new while on his crappy night shift(overdraft on a checking ridiculous!) is there any way I reward myself other than food and stuff? What else can you reward yourself with? How can I find that? I wish I liked running or kayaking or hiking in a way that I could feel like I did great today I deserve a half hour run. There are just so few things that I can give myself that doesn't cost something. Also why do I need a reward in the first place? Is it just our culture that if bad things happen to you, you feel like you deserve something to make up for it? Even though I can't find a job and my son has a disability there are millions of people who have it worse than me. I wish I could get rid of that sense of entitlement. But I am lost on what to replace it with.

It's the little things

Yesterday we had our team meeting with our therapists. While working with the physical therapist George did tummy time for 3 whole minutes!! I know this may seem like nothing but just in the end of February he couldn't tolerate more than five seconds. I remember when I read about his conditions and talked to the parents everything said that the smallest things are going to seem like the most incredible accomplishment and I truly have seen that in the past few weeks. I have been terrified with his earaches (the first meds didn't work so he just got worse and worse!) but other than that I have so much hope for him. I can't wait until he gets that giant noggin lifted while on his tummy. Really every day with George is a miracle. I am so lucky to have such a special little man. :)

Yay Nurse!

My new nurse is fantastic. I know last I wrote that I was considering getting rid of the service but she makes it all seem much more worth while. She is on time and she is reliable, she makes sure George does all his streches and tummy time, she alerts me when something has changed or if she notices something off. Because she is so good about making him do his tummy time he is finally starting to enjoy it and lift up his head. Also if it wasn't for her I never would have realized he had an ear infection. I really think that our new nurse can be an integral part in George's development. And she makes me feel comfortable trying to go back to work part-time.

Shouldn't this be something that isn't a hassel?

For the past few months I have been lucky enough to have a nursing service that sends a nurse to my house to help with George. This all started after George's Nissen surgery because the hospital staff was appalled at the fact that I, a nonmedical person, was home alone with no help taking care of my own son. I was extremely hesitant to start because I was so nervous about bringing someone in to my "turf" to take care of my son. I felt like it would make me a bad mother because I was a stay at home mother so what in the world would I need with a nurse. But eventually the hospital staff and my home health nurse convinced me to try it and I had a wonderful nurse come and take care of George. I was lucky enough to have a nurse with the opinion that as the mother I would know what George needed and who seemed competent enough that I was okay leaving him alone with her. I was starting to think that maybe, just maybe I could start going back to work.

Than it started to become unreliable. My nurse got sick, her son got sick, it snowed and she couldn't get out of her driveway, she was running late for this reason or that, she had a doctor's appt etc etc etc. They all seemed like good excuses but there were a lot of them and all I could think is what the hell would I do if I had to go to work today? I would be screwed. Because you can't take a special needs 7 month old into work with you. It doesn't work. Luckily I had my nurse during the hardest months when George was recovering from surgery but as George recovers back to his usual self I'm starting to realize that really there is very little that makes me different than a mommy with a normal baby. In fact there are things that make it easier for me. George can sleep when he eats. Due to his paralyzed vocal chords his cry is like a tiny mew that is more cute and heart breaking than irritating. Taking George out on errands is difficult, but it would be if he didn't have the condition he does because HES A BABY.

So today when my nurse didn't show up. And I called the nursing office to find out "Sorry it was a miscommunication, it was my fault". I started to think is this a hassel really worth it. Not only am I expected to constantly babysit my coordinator than whether I'm home or not, whether I have company or not there is a person in my house Monday through Friday from 9 to 5 and I do not live in a large house. 1200 square feet and the nurse hangs out in the two rooms that I use the most. And they are here on days Jarrod works so if we need to do something together George has to come with us. What I really need is someone to come sit with him when I have a drs appt or I want to go to the store. I don't need someone to spend the day with him when I can do it myself. Also the nursing service shouldn't be the issue here it should be insurance. But its not so I think I have decided that unless things drastically change, I'm done when my authorization is up. I am tired of having one more medical thing that I have to call over and over again. Especially when I can't rely on them enough to make the nursing service worth my time because there is no way I could have a job and miss as many days as I would have to. I'll just have to find a very good babysitter.

Sigh

I've been having just one of those I feel stuck in my life days. I love my husband, I love my son, I even love my crazy dogs. But what if I could go back and change my major decisions. What if I went to school in Canada? What if i stayed an Econ major? What if I studied abroad? What if I never left the cadets? Would things be easier or just different? Down here in middle of nowhere VA I feel like Im missing out on so much. The world is flying by and Im stuck in pause. I keep looking for my play button but I feel as if Im afraid to push it. I hope I push it soon or I may be stuck forever.

Murderers!

My dogs killed another deer (they killed one last year around this time when they were only six months old). Lucky me this time I got to watch the entire thing because it was in the backyard. As usual I opened the door to let Hans and Heidi out. I noticed Hans sprint out the back door and Heidi follow close behind leaping of the steps. So I looked out to see what could have gotten them in such a tizzy and there's two does in the backyard. I continued to watch because I was worried that one would lure Hans out of the yard and that I would have to go chase him down. Instead as the deer were fleeing, Hans close behind, I see one take a huge leap and the other run smack dab into our little fenced in area. It didn't have a chance. Hans kinda nipped at it but Heidi went straight for the throat. I was in shock, it was like watching the cheetahs take down a gazelle on Big Cat Diary. Except it was my backyard and my dogs.

I weakly called Jarrod. He threw his boots on and ran out to get them off their fresh kill. Luckily as older and wiser dogs Jarrod was able to get them off the thing quickly, but not in time to save it. So then we had to call the Sheriff's office to report our little murderers and then hang the thing in a tree since Jarrod had to get to work.

Bleh!

George is no longer interested in baby food. I could just cry. It is so frustrating. Now when I try to put the baby food in my mouth I get a weird face, he spits it out, and what he doesn't spit out he gags on. Why is it every time we get one step forward we seem to go 2 steps back!?! At this rate George is always going to eat through a tube. While its nice for colds, giving medicine, and keeping him a healthy weight, dealing with all that is worth it for him to be a regular kid. I want him to be able to eat at friends houses and during lunch at school.I just pray that this isn't an unrealistic hope.

Peaches for Free

Is it weird that I almost feel upset that my son is not a huge fan of peach baby food? Today he tried peach for the first time and the response was meh. He even pushed it back out like what is this stuff you are giving me. I LOVE peach baby food. I was still eating it every now and than at like 12 and I am pretty sure that I will be finishing any leftovers that he has from the stuff now.

It was so exciting when George did well at the swallow study but now faced with what we are actually able to do, it just seems like so little. Every bite is such a huge deal but its such a little thing. And its so depressing when he doesn't seem interested at all. He looks at me like why are you trying to put this stuff in my mouth. The dread comes pouring back in that maybe he's just going to have to eat this way for the rest of his life. Maybe I'm going to have to say "No rough housing you might tear out George's button" when he wants to play with his future siblings. Maybe he wont have siblings.

We are thinking we want more children and my doctor gave me the name of a geneticist with Boston College to get in touch with. That was two weeks ago. In a way I'm terrified of the minute possibility that maybe, just maybe this is a genetics issue. What if this is the only kind of child I can have? What if every one of them is a major risk for having some severe medical issue that makes it impossible for them to be just like other kids. Than what? Do we go forward fingers crossed that the next child will be physically fine? I don't think I could handle another NICU/PICU baby. Those first two and a half month's where George lived in the hospital was so hard. Every day I fought a nervous breakdown. All of a sudden your a mom and now you are responsible for another human being. In a way that other mom's luckily don't have to be. You are the one saying yes I think we should do this surgery. And every day you visit this child that barely feels like he's yours because all your contact is so sterile and observed. And you are still so naive that you think the doctors and nurses know what is right and what is best because they went to school for it, they see it every day. It took me a while before I realized that while they may have seen other children with conditions like my son, they weren't my son. Every child is going to be unique. There is no one size fits all with health care. By the time I went back to the hospital I knew that I know George better than any of them and while they are trained professionals and I should take into consideration their knowledgeable ideas and suggestions, they are not going to be 100% right and most of the time it is just an opinion.

To think if I had listened to 75% of the the doctors I worked with George would have a tract right now. And for what? The off chance that he might need it. He may be noisy but he breaths just fine without one. The last thing I needed was another foreign object in his body that I had to watch for complications just because there is this slight chance he may need one in the future. That is one thing that I am proud I gave my son a chance with. That I fought those doctors because I knew he could do it. While I understand that for some children (especially other mylo, arnold chiari sufferers) this is something they need to survive, George didn't. And so many doctors ignored that fact and got so caught up in well he's probably going to need it so lets do it now so he doesn't have to have anesthesia later. If all the doctors had said yes it would have been a different matter but I paid attention to the pulmonologists who told me of the constant repairs and the ENT who held out as long as possible. And look at George now breathing on his own and trying peach baby food. :)

My dead music

Lately I find myself hating music videos and performances. All I can think is the regretful "I could do that." But there are plenty of reasons why I couldn't. Number one being my fear of rejection. Being in music involves constantly being rejected. Even those who have "made it" in music are constantly being critiqued and put down by critics and regular people alike. You can't please everyone. Starting in music is rejection after rejection in auditions and performances. There are very few who never get to feel that. And vocal music is so personal, its your voice. Something that can only be changed so much like your hair or your looks. Some people are never going to look good no matter how much they work out, they will never be a model. And they can't change that. Same with people, no matter how much you practice or work with vocal coaches, there is a limit to what you can achieve with your voice. After a rejection in my college's vocal program, being told I had no talent by a well meaning father, and being rejected later by an a Capella group. I was done. I gave up the only thing I was ever passionate about in my entire life. Now I feel lost. I have nothing to do. I live in an area where music and singing groups are few and far between. The only person I perform for is my son who cries if I sing anything in a real voice. I miss music desperately. I will always be plagued by what ifs. What if I had auditioned at other schools, what if I had auditioned for a group my freshman year, what if I had tried out for American Idol. Probably things would not be any different. Maybe I would be teaching voice lessons or singing in a church choir. I don't think I ever had the ego to make it, to believe that what I do is the best, to not feel nervous or self conscious when I sing in front of others. But either way I will always have to live with the what if's and I hope that I can use that to push my kids to at least try. Sometimes it is just better to know you tried your best and failed instead of living with the nagging what would have happened

Babysteps in food

My son George has difficulty swallowing. Because of this he eats through his MicKey button which looks like the valve you use to blow up a beach ball or pool floaty. He looks like a little inflatble baby. :) We tried to get him to drink from a bottle for month's only to find that he couldn't handle the thin consistency and was aspirating. For a while we had to put the whole eating by mouth project was put on hold but once George hit 6 months he was old he had reached an age where baby food could be a safe choice. We started giving him small timid spoonfuls of sweet potatoe, cartot, apple and banana; terrified that all this time that food was sliding into his lungs. It is really difficult to tell because when George aspirated milk it looked like nothing bad was happening, it didn't bother him at all. I had almost completely given up hope of George ever eating like a normal kid. Which for a food addict like myself is unimaginable. Than last Tuesday we had a swallow study. He did great! We watched the radioactive carrot baby food go where it should on the xray screen. And when he wasnt swallowing he was protecting his airway by pooling the food in the back of his throat. My little chipmunk was eating! While he still can't handle drinking anything, the thicker baby food will help him to build up the muscles in his mouth and throat so that a cup of milk can become a possibility. We are so excited and my goal to have his button removed by preK.

Yay for change!

I feel like it's Christmas. By the end of next week I will have a nice new couch in my living room. One that will fit two people sleeping comfortably and yet not massive (which is key because my living room is tiny). It's a Bobkona sectional in sage and I hope that the color is what I what. It's just so scary buying things online. Also my husband let me purchase a countertop dishwasher today! After over a year of handwashing dishes I am so tired of it. And my hands definitely feel the pain from it. No matter what dishsoap I use they end up dry and chapped from the hot water. A dishwasher will be wonderful for sanitizing the millions of things that I should be sanitizing for George. After looking at lots of products and websites I decided on this model that fits 6 place setings and is an Edgestar. We will hope that it works as well as it does for the other people who reviewed it. I didn't find a bad review about it other than a complaint that it was a little bit blocky. But its not like you can fit 6 place settings in a toaster so I expect big and blocky. And lastly my wonderful husband has been cutting tiles to finally get me started on tiling that bathroom floor. So I am super excited about the progress we are making! (Especially after a long lull due to sickness and snow) Yay for good change!

A new year

Yes this post is a little bit late and yes i don't do anything but sit around on the computer in my jammies but it has taken until now and I think I am ready. It is time to start blogging, working out, actively looking for a job, joining some art classes. I need to stop being soo passive in my life if I want to start having a change for the better.

My son is doing great. He is almost completely off oxygen support, his strider is almost completely gone, he rarely wretches, and he he may soon (fingers crossed for Tuesday) be able to take food by mouth. And through all the pain and hospital stays he is such a happy little guy. So I should learn from George to just move on and live life no matter what hardships come my way.

I need to create and change and earn something myself. If I lock myself into being a mommy only I might lose myself. Then when the kids move on and have their own lives I will have nothing. So the time for change is now. Before the craziness of school and teams and after school activities. While the ghost of old me hasn't quite drifted away. I'm ready for a change (and one that actually happens unlike what we were promised by certain politicians:) )

My Life Upside Down: The Beginning

So now I have a baby, my son George. Life is all about him. I wake up when his first feeding is and I go to bed when he has fallen asleep for the night. The middle of my day is spent sitting around with him in my lap with his pacy because that is what keeps him happy.

For me the birth was easy. A scheduled C-section. I was starting to have contractions but I was not feeling them. They injected pain medicine into my spine and pulled a curtain infront of my shoulders so that while I was laying down I could not see them cutting me open to get the baby out. The whole operation was a blurr. My husband sat next to me holding my hand. They asked if he wanted to see the baby and then a nurse yelled that wouldn't be a good idea the baby wasn't breathing. Jarrod started to feel dizzy at that point and had to be escorted out for some water. They finally got George to breath but he was striderous (which meant when he breathed he squeaked) this was due to a floppy airway. My son could not breath on his own. They asked if I wanted to see him. I gave him a kiss in my loopy confused state and he was taken away.

When I came back to feeling I was in a sterile room with my husband and my nurse. My legs were straight but because I did not get them in that position when I lost feeling they felt bent and uncomfortable. I kept yelling at poor Jarrod to fix my legs make them straight. Eventually I was carted down a floor to my room. They rolled me onto a bed.

I didn't feel pain right away. I was uncomforatable and nauseous but I didn't feel the slice in my lower abdomen. I spent a lot of time watching HGTV and sleeping. I could see the other mom's waddling though the halls holding or carting their child and I was so jealous. There was no baby in my room. Jarrod went up to the NICU to see the baby but I was not even well enough to go see him. Then to make matters worse, our dog Heidi had run away and was found by a neighbor. Jarrod had to leave me and go home. It felt empty and awful alone in my room.

A long day of nothing

Today feels like such a long day of doing nothing. It takes me an hour to get to my doctor and it took an extra half hour to be able to see her because she was on call the night before and a patient went into labor. Maybe it is from growing up in Arlington but I just don't mind waiting. All those years of traffic and overcrowded stores have made me be at peace with waiting. So I just sat patiently in the waiting room enjoying the quiet working on a sudoku. I was amazed when an elderly woman came in complaining that she came with plenty of time to see her doctor and had to wait 10 WHOLE MINUTES! She was flipping out on the poor nurse whose job was just to escort her to her waiting room. Apparently she didn't notice that everyone was waiting not just her. I will never understand some people's sense of entitlement.

My appointment lasted maybe 10 minutes and I was back on the road. All is well with the baby and me as usual. I won't get to see him on an ultrasound for another 2 weeks so no clue about the hydrocephalus but I have noticed all the same movement and hiccups so I dont feel any change. My doctor realized that she scheduled her vacation to start the day that my C-section had been scheduled for (she is a bit of a scatterbrain sometimes). So now thank goodness, she will be coming in to do my operation and then leaving for her vacation because "she really wants to do this section". Which helped me greatly in my confidence in her and my choice to stay in Roanoke for all the operations. If she had sent me to someone else I probably would have had a nervous breakdown.

I finally got out of there and went over to the mall. I made the mistake of going into Motherhood. I have a little bit of a shopping problem. As long as I stay out of the stores I am okay but once I go in and see stuff I like at good prices? Im lost. It was an entire store of clothing that was comfortable even in my enormous state. I ended up buying two extremely comfy dresses and two comfy t-shirts. I was going to buy yoga pants but I held off because Im done in 4 weeks and the dresses and stuff I have already will be plenty. And then the nice lady at the register was nicely surprised at how far along I was (yes I am well aware she may of been faking) but she told me I looked amazing for how far along I was. I guess most 35 week pregnant ladies are an absolute mess? Who knows. Jarrod doesn't let me indulge myself too much. And actually I love him for it. With the wrong guy I would be bedridden eating dumplings and raspberry sorbet while watching cable all day. Jarrod makes me eat better and at least try to work out. Trust me I need it.

On the way home from the mall I ran out of gas so I stopped by a gas station on my route that I have never been to. I will never go back there again! The trash cans were stuffed to the brim. I put the gas pump on auto and the shutoff didn't work. I was watching it wondering why it hadn't finished yet when the pump started making weird noises. I went to take it out and my legs were splashed with gasoline and my car. I went to get the windshield cleaning brush to wash off my car and there wasn't one. All I had to clean myself and my car were paper towels. And I ended up paying for a quarter gallon that just ended up on the ground. I was pissed but being my usual passive self I just stormed into my car and drove off so I could get a shower. But obviously to make myself feel better I had to go get a blizzard from DQ. :)

When I came home I took a nap until it was time to help Jarrod get ready for work. I hate when he has night shifts, it makes me feel so lonely. I don't want to do any work around the house, I don't want to feed myself, I just mope around and feel sorry for myself. This time wasn't very different. I tried to go to walmart to get my prescription for my poison ivy (yes it does make being pregnant more annoying when your entire massive body is covered with an itchy rash). Of course I didn't have a prescription card so no I couldn't get my prescription. I wanted to scream but instead stocked up on icecream, fruit snacks, cereal, and tortellinis. All things I have been craving. :)

Baby is almost here

Things have seriously brightened up since my last post although they have become a hectic mess. When we went to the prenatal specialist the next day we found out that our babies condition, while it could still be severe, is not necessarily hopeless. Yes he has spina bifida but he does not have Hydrocephalus which is great and we pray it stays that way. He only has one club foot and he can open his hands. There are no signs that this is anything more than a back malformation. He could still possibly walk and he will probably be just as smart as any other children we decide to have.

My life has become a hectic mess of course though. A baby with Spina Bifida means a baby with lots of doctors. I have been hounded constantly about my choices by the MIL and its frustrating because there is no way to know whether or not I am making the right choice. I had decided to go with the OB who delivered the bad news, she has been doing this a long time and the C-section should be cake for her. I decided to go with a Neurologist from the area because I had heard good things about her and all I have heard about the amazing one at UVA has not been that great. I still have to pick a pediatrician, a urologist, and an orthopedic surgeon. I am not looking forward to it. Especially since people in the Spina Bifida Association here did not have good things to say about the urologists and othopedics in this area. I have lots of traveling with my little newborn to look forward to.

I got the recommendation for my neurologist however because my husband ended up in the hospital for his knee. (What else can we go through is what it feels like some days.) Only Jarrod would end up with a staph infection because he popped his knee hiking then got an infected midge bite on his shin. Does it get any more random. So here I was driving an hour every day to see him at the hospital when I was 33 weeks pregnant. I was too big to have to take care of someone. And yet there I was bringing him clean clothes, and books, and snacks. He was extremely frustrated because he was stuck in a bed, fully aware and awake, stuck watching tv in a bed that was uncomfortable. After a week of this he was told it would take 6 weeks to fully heal. Just in time for my C-section.

Despite his condition, Jarrod still managed to finally hang drywall in the babies room, (we are really running out of time) with his grandfather. Hopefully I will still be able to paint when the walls are ready, they still need to be mudded but there is hope now that this room will be ready when the baby gets here. Not so much for the baby but so I have a place for my mom to sleep while she is here helping me recover and deal with a newborn.

Tomorrow is yet another doctors visit and I am so excited for this baby to get here. We are nervous about what the future entails and what his condition will be but I have lots of hope. No matter what he is like he will be loved and have a warm home and big accepting family. We are so lucky to have been able to learn about his condition and get over our shock ahead of time. This way we can learn as much as possible about his condition and prepare as much as we can for his needs. I just hope that God is watching over us and helps our son to have a wonderfully fulfilling life here.

Our Joy turned Sorrow

Monday was one of the hardest days of my life. I woke feeling like it was Christmas. At 20 weeks pregnant today was the big ultrasound, we were going to find out if it was a boy or a girl. In my heart I was thinking boy definitely. Why else would I have been craving things like donuts and barbecue potato chips.

It was a good morning. Jarrod's friend slept over because they were planning on doing a quick morning hike (which of course did not happen because his friend got in at 4 in the morning). The furnace was out of propane but with one quick call a guy was on his way to finally end our weekend of cold. And lastly Jarrod's oldest brother came by with his two children. It was a morning of video games, coloring, and snacks.

We finally left the house at 1230 to get to our doctors by 2 (it was an hour and ten minute drive and we needed gas). The drive was pretty noneventful. The usual curves and mountains we see everytime we travel to Roanoke. I had a new doctor and the center and I sat on a different side after checking in. The woman who came to bring us to the ultrasound knew Jarrod through his family and asked him to say hello. Everything seemed like a little blur I was so excited to see our baby on the monitor.

Immediately our baby showed that he was a boy. Then he proceeded to wiggle and roll all over the place making it difficult for the ultrasound technician to follow him. I was so happy that I was right he was a boy. It just was a feeling I had had. And watching him move all over the place was such a joy. I purchased a DVD of the ultrasound so when we were finished she gave us the disk and some pictures.

We went to our new doctors waiting area. I used the restroom because I just couldn't hold it anymore. We were unsure of what to expect, my OB/GYN had transfered to New York. He has said that this new doctor was good but a little all over the place. I hoped it would be a good fit because at this stage of the game I had no desire to find a new doctor. Her nurse showed us to our room and took my weight and blood pressure. Of course they needed a urine sample after I used the little girls room so I was going to have to give one before I left. Then she left us alone and we joked and laughed while Jarrod scanned through a book of names.

My doctor came in. She was very pretty for an older woman. "I am your new doctor. I have been doing this a long time. I'm a lot older then most of the other doctors here but I have a very good plastic surgeon." I chuckled at her introduction, still unsure of what to think of her and then the most horrible, awful thing she could possibly say came out of her mouth.

"This is going to be hard to take from someone you don't know but the ultrasound was not good". I felt like she had punched me in the stomach. All I could do was stare at her while in my head I frantically searched my memory of the ultrasound for what she could possibly be talking about.

"The baby has spina bifida" All I could do was nod. "Do you know what that is?" Jarrod had moved to take my hand all we could do was stare at this horrible person trying to tell us our perfect baby was not. "There is an opening in his spinal cord, its actually not all that common in the United States, much more common in the British Isles. Also it looks like he has club foot and clenched hands which could be signs of mental disability. I don't know what your religious beliefs are but this baby will probably have a terrible quality of life." By now I have started to cry, in my head I was waiting for her to say just kidding and just be someone with a terrible sense of humor for her profession. But those words never came, she handed me a tissue and continued my new little nightmare.

"I am going to send you to a genetics specialist. I am just a little OB/GYN so I don't know exactly how bad this is, or exactly what diseases the baby has. I am only able to go by my experience with patients in the past. If you decide to carry the child to term it will probably never walk and possibly worst. Another option would be to deliver early and do an autopsy to find out if this is something genetic or just a random mutation. They will probably ask you to do an amniocentisis and I highly suggest you do. It will give us an idea of whether or not this is a chromosomal defect. You all just sit tight and I am going to see if the doctor can squeeze you in today." She gave my hand a sympathetic squeeze and left us alone in the room.

"Is it weird that I feel like someone punched me in the stomach?" Jarrod asked me. I told him no. I felt the same way. We both wanted to throw up. This was terrible. How could we have a disabled child when we were both so healthy and our families both had such healthy babies. Why is it that there were drunks and crackheads who could have normal babies and mine wasn't going to be able to have a good life. It seemed so awful and unfair. In my mind I was throwing out all my pregnancy materials and sending all the maternity clothes back to my sister in law who loaned them to me. I wouldn't be pregnant at my sisters graduation. We wouldn't need to worry about finishing the babies room it would be a guest room now. How would I ever be able to go through a pregnancy again?!

When the doctor came back Jarrod asked her what could have caused this? We both were a little fearful throughout the pregnancy that my drinking, birth control pill use and antibiotic use before I knew I was pregnant may have hurt the baby. "Possibly a difficiency in folic acid, but usually its more just a genetic thing or a random mutation. " When Jarrod asked her more questions about the baby and what this means she told us that really we should wait for our appointment with the geneticist but she just didn't think the baby would have a good quality of life. She had made us an appointment with the new doctor for tomorrow and told me to call her if I could after the appointment.

Jarrod had to check us out while I alarmed all the other patients by crying uncontrollably. We drove in depressed silence cursing the fact that we had to run by Jarrod's brothers house to pick up furniture we were taking and Jarrod's motorcycle. Even worse we had to stop by Jarrod's parents house to get the trailer and Jarrod's dada na brother had the day off. (Jarrod's mom always basically has the day off but she is usually running errands.) We didn't want to face anyone we were barely able to talk to eachother.

At Jarrod's parents house I waited in the car even though I had to pee like crazy. Jarrod went in to get the hitch and broke down when Jarrod's dad told him his mother drove off with it in her trunk. Jarrod's dad had nothing he could say, there was nothing to say. Nothing was going to take away our new nightmare. He helped Jarrod silently get the ball off of Jarrod's younger brothers truck and Jarrod proceeded to get the trailer hooked up to the truck. Sunglasses on to hide his tears.

Then of course because we didn't feel helpless enough a car pulled up. Out popped Jarrod's grandparents, great aunt, and great uncle. I panicked, I couldn't talk to anyone. I didn't want to be soothed or touched. I didn't even want to be here. It seemed that they read our being upset and thankfully went into the house without checking on us. Jarrod drove away and we were back to the solitude of our own awful thoughts and tears. I kept thinking how much easier a miscarriage would have been then to have to make the decisions that seemed to be ahead. And every time I thought that awful thought the tears would return and I would feel like a terrible person.

It was freezing as we loaded up the truck with what was ours. For once I lifted and helped, unable to see how any of it could hurt the baby worse then it already had. The cold wind felt wonderful to me. Almost cleansing me of my terrible thoughts. By the time we were done I had finally gotten a grip on myself and was able to be a human being. Jarrod and I talked a little the rest of the way home. In general we found our hands were tied on making any decisions until we met with the other doctor.

We went home fed the dogs and ran off to Walmart. We there purchased the next 2 seasons of the office and a couple pairs of pants for Jarrod. We spent the evening delivering the news to our parents and trying to find if this could be genetic. We watched the Office and ate girl scout cookies until at 10 I made some pasta in need of a real dinner. And at the end of the night we finally fell asleep exhausted from the terrible news and our tears.